BEIRUT: Forces loyal to PSP chief Walid Jumblatt will attack U.S. and Iranian negotiators in Lausanne with grape missiles after they stole the party's nuclear secrets, the often whimsical politician wrote in a series of particularly lucid tweets marking April Fools Day Wednesday and Thursday.
Jumblatt revealed that his party's scientists have been hard at work on a "fruity" nuclear arsenal which will soon be unveiled.
“The secret laboratories of the Progressive Socialist Party located between Jisr al-Qadi and as-Shawi will soon produce a weapon of mass destruction outside the framework of the Nuclear Energy Agency and its affiliates,” Jumblatt wrote Wednesday.
He said the weapons were in form of mortars made of sweet carob molasses mixed with snake poison.
“At first glance, the enemy will taste the sweetness of the molasses, and then gets fully paralyzed and eliminated,” he said.
“The technical teams have long worked on [developing] this weapon, and today I urge maintaining absolute secrecy. It has been tested somewhere.”
The Druze leader said the weapons would allow his party to eliminate its enemies and raise its banners in every corner of the world.
Shortly after, the politician who has become a Twitter celebrity and semi-satirist with more than 85,000 followers since he joined the social media site in October, announced that a modification would be made to his WMDs.
“I just received a protest message from the civil society from Jisr al-Qadi and its surroundings saying that petting snakes would be dangerous as they might spread between homes,” he posted in tweets decorated with sarcastic emoticons.
“So I immediately called the technical team in Andraos Farm, and they told me they were ready to replace snake poison with hashish.”
Grape molasses would also be used in the mortars when necessary, he said, and always rigged with marijuana.
He said by using these ingredients, he made sure the mortars “meet food safety standards,” in reference to an expression often used by Health Minister Wael Abu Faour who has carried out a nation-wide food safety crackdown.
Jumblatt said his invention would not only cause nausea and dizziness for the enemy, but would also support local production of all types of molasses, and would boost the country's hashish growers.
The PSP leader is known for his support to legalize the cultivation of hashish in Lebanon.
“Long live the Progressive Socialist Party, a party that possesses this enormous military advancement while serving agricultural production,” he posted.
After posting his usual good-night message, Jumblatt came back on Thursday to continue his series of jokes, this time involving the ongoing U.S.-Iran nuclear talks in Lausanne, Switzerland.
“It seems the news about PSP’s weapons of mass destruction has arrived at the coasts of the Lac Léman (Lake Geneva), at Lausanne," he said. “[This] shocked and fascinated John Kerry and Mohammad Jawad Zarif, and they therefore decided to quickly set the final draft for the [nuclear] agreement.”
Jumblatt even described how the "secret" military news reached the negotiators.
“The imperialist Iranian axis has committed a seamy act by hacking the email of the Mortars and Rockets unit of the party’s leadership,” he wrote, saying that his party would from now on rely on homing pigeons instead of emails for secret messages.
“But the Central Observation unit of the PSP revealed the malicious plot, and orders were given to shell Lausanne with Carob 3 missiles, and Grape 5 when necessary.”
Continuing on with his imaginary offensive, he added: “Later on, the popular mobilization units of the PSP’s Geneva branch will surround Lausanne and eventually liberate it."
“We will not use Hashish 4 mortars to respect the laws of Lausanne district.”
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